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AUG ELITE Gaming Community :: Forums :: AUG_Elite Community :: General Chat
 
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Member Jokes of the Day
Moderators: IKAIKA Dv8, VisionKill, EZPoacher, Phoenix Goddess, Blues, asustek, Ms B, Krash, CaveyJnr, tech
Author Post
Deadi[AUG_E]
Thu May 22 2008, 08:54PM
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Thought about this at work today. Anything distasteful, religious, or political will be removed. Enjoy.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he's not gonna come anyway.
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Potty
Fri May 23 2008, 11:40AM
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damn t all my jokes are ganna get removed ><.
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Blues
Fri May 23 2008, 01:42PM
The Patriarch, Blues Drive Monster & "The Best Mexican"


Registered Member #394
Joined: Mon Jun 25 2007, 06:05PM
Posts: 906
Thanked 1 time in 1 posts
just do the one with the pancakes and canoe
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Karnagej77
Fri May 23 2008, 06:25PM
Super steve to the rescue!!!

Registered Member #871
Joined: Sat Mar 15 2008, 06:08PM
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 38
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Well, distasteful, religious, or political, are where all the funny jokes are at =[
I'm no hero. Never was. Never will be. I'm just an old killer. Hired to do some wet work.
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Torched
Fri May 23 2008, 08:35PM
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potty tell the whale one!!!!!!!!!!!
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Potty
Mon May 26 2008, 12:56PM
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well this thread died quick lol ... hm i wonder y lol only fit for ts?
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Blues
Tue May 27 2008, 12:02AM
The Patriarch, Blues Drive Monster & "The Best Mexican"


Registered Member #394
Joined: Mon Jun 25 2007, 06:05PM
Posts: 906
Thanked 1 time in 1 posts
ts is for rich people
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Karnagej77
Thu May 29 2008, 05:53PM
Super steve to the rescue!!!

Registered Member #871
Joined: Sat Mar 15 2008, 06:08PM
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 38
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...how is that? it's free....or am i missing something?

I'm no hero. Never was. Never will be. I'm just an old killer. Hired to do some wet work.
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Blues
Thu May 29 2008, 07:07PM
The Patriarch, Blues Drive Monster & "The Best Mexican"


Registered Member #394
Joined: Mon Jun 25 2007, 06:05PM
Posts: 906
Thanked 1 time in 1 posts
i charge tacos for admittance.
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3rÐ
Fri May 30 2008, 08:09AM
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I don't charge anything.
I just beat you up and take your lunch money.
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Blues
Fri May 30 2008, 12:23PM
The Patriarch, Blues Drive Monster & "The Best Mexican"


Registered Member #394
Joined: Mon Jun 25 2007, 06:05PM
Posts: 906
Thanked 1 time in 1 posts
well thats a whole different story, i have no association with 3rD in that sense.
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Saint Attilla
Fri Aug 01 2008, 09:41AM
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What do you call a paraplegic in a pile of leaves?

Rustle
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AugElite PCS
Fri Oct 17 2008, 09:41PM
MEMBER OF REALITY AND NO FALSE HOPES

Registered Member #1164
Joined: Mon Aug 11 2008, 03:01PM
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 432
Thanked 6 times in 6 posts
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,



Then calls the boy over and asks,

"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.

"That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. & says ;

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Never Argue with an Idiot. They'll drag you down
to their level and beat you with experience.
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DragonKeeper
Sat Oct 18 2008, 04:49AM
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What do you call a guy with no legs swimmin in the ocean? ................BOB
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Phoenix Goddess
Sun Oct 19 2008, 04:26PM
Peacemaker~Undertaker


Registered Member #29
Joined: Sun May 07 2006, 12:17PM
Location: Georgia
Posts: 510
Thanked 4 times in 4 posts
LoL
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Colombian Rage
Sun Oct 19 2008, 11:27PM

Registered Member #880
Joined: Tue Mar 18 2008, 08:22AM
Location: Palm City FL
Posts: 44
Thanked 1 time in 1 posts
Why is Santa so jolly all the time?

He knows where all the bad girls live.
Lets Bring the Pain.
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Ms B
Mon Oct 20 2008, 01:21AM
Guild Wars Alliance Leader

Registered Member #526
Joined: Tue Oct 02 2007, 09:44PM
Location: Alabama
Posts: 383
Thanked 1 time in 1 posts
Why do midgets laugh when they run??




Cause the grass tickles there balls...
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the end
Fri Nov 28 2008, 03:48PM
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XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough of it.
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Blade
Tue Dec 02 2008, 06:24PM

Registered Member #950
Joined: Thu Apr 10 2008, 04:47PM
Location: Ky
Posts: 22
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zomg i feel so left out, I have many a joke... just none that are thread appropriate :( TS FTW!!!
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kotor24
Wed Dec 03 2008, 01:26PM
The True Mexican Of AUG

Registered Member #889
Joined: Sat Mar 22 2008, 12:53PM
Location: Virginia
Posts: 320
Thanked 2 times in 2 posts
well than again deadi started it so i dont know if the rules still apply.
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EarlOfTrellheim
Wed Dec 03 2008, 01:53PM
Non-Killing Assassin

Registered Member #15
Joined: Tue May 02 2006, 09:18PM
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 475
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It doesn't matter if deadi started it, I believe that it is still stated in the rules that you can't have that stuff in any threads. He was just reminding you in this thread because he saw that there would be a lot of people breaking those rules.

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AugElite PCS
Wed Dec 03 2008, 11:26PM
MEMBER OF REALITY AND NO FALSE HOPES

Registered Member #1164
Joined: Mon Aug 11 2008, 03:01PM
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 432
Thanked 6 times in 6 posts
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there
the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches

Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.


Never Argue with an Idiot. They'll drag you down
to their level and beat you with experience.
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Blues
Thu Dec 04 2008, 03:52AM
The Patriarch, Blues Drive Monster & "The Best Mexican"


Registered Member #394
Joined: Mon Jun 25 2007, 06:05PM
Posts: 906
Thanked 1 time in 1 posts
Wahls where did you pop out of? Oo
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the end
Thu Dec 04 2008, 06:35AM
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Wahls doesn't exist blues its a figment of your imagination.
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AugElite PCS
Sat Dec 06 2008, 07:14PM
MEMBER OF REALITY AND NO FALSE HOPES

Registered Member #1164
Joined: Mon Aug 11 2008, 03:01PM
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 432
Thanked 6 times in 6 posts
NOW WATCH CLOSELY END ...ILL POST THIS HERE THEN I WILL GOTO MY CLAN ROOM AND POST IT THERE,, WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME PERSON

"THIS HOLIDAY SEASON GUYS!!!
STAY OUTTA THE DOGHOUSE!!

-=<( Click Here )>=-
Never Argue with an Idiot. They'll drag you down
to their level and beat you with experience.
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AugElite PCS
Tue Dec 09 2008, 02:14AM
MEMBER OF REALITY AND NO FALSE HOPES

Registered Member #1164
Joined: Mon Aug 11 2008, 03:01PM
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 432
Thanked 6 times in 6 posts
I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

YESTERDAY. (hard to imagine I know!!!!!)

I THOUGHT

I ALMOST TALKED

MY WAY OUT OF IT

UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT

MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
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Never Argue with an Idiot. They'll drag you down
to their level and beat you with experience.
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AugElite PCS
Tue Dec 09 2008, 07:39AM
MEMBER OF REALITY AND NO FALSE HOPES

Registered Member #1164
Joined: Mon Aug 11 2008, 03:01PM
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 432
Thanked 6 times in 6 posts
a couple more
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[ Edited Tue Dec 09 2008, 07:41AM ]
Never Argue with an Idiot. They'll drag you down
to their level and beat you with experience.
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Bunkerblade101
Mon Dec 15 2008, 06:25PM
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Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's 'too pricey,' you might live inWisconsin .

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live inWisconsin .

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live inWisconsin ...

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live inWisconsin .

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have either a pet or a child named 'Brett,' you might live in Wisconsin .

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you know how to say Oconomowoc,Waukesha , Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin .

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, 'From the land of sky-blue waters,'....you might live in Wisconsin .

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. 'Vacation' means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again.

6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals ).

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

15. You refer to the Packers as 'we.'

16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.

19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.

20. You know how to polka.

21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

23. Down South to you means Illinois .

24. A brat is something you eat.

25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

26. You go out to fish fry every Friday

27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

29. You find minus twenty degrees 'a little chilly.'



[ Edited Mon Dec 15 2008, 06:27PM ]
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AugElite PCS
Fri Dec 19 2008, 11:45AM
MEMBER OF REALITY AND NO FALSE HOPES

Registered Member #1164
Joined: Mon Aug 11 2008, 03:01PM
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 432
Thanked 6 times in 6 posts
BAD FOOD


A Doctor, addressing a large audience in Tampa, said “The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes
the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there
is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what
food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

Never Argue with an Idiot. They'll drag you down
to their level and beat you with experience.
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AugElite PCS
Thu Mar 05 2009, 03:10PM
MEMBER OF REALITY AND NO FALSE HOPES

Registered Member #1164
Joined: Mon Aug 11 2008, 03:01PM
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 432
Thanked 6 times in 6 posts
Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They
head to the bird section, and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the
birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of
some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and
says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis is too dangerous for me."


VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
either."



BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!


Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Lars
appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a
rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First dere vas Sven with his budgie
yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ...
and now Lars, hengliding ...."


Dats all. Dere ain't no more!












Dija hear me? Ain't no more. What you lookin for down here?

[ Edited Thu Mar 05 2009, 03:13PM ]
Never Argue with an Idiot. They'll drag you down
to their level and beat you with experience.
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faith_Ho on 08 Sep : 02:49
hey bunker come to msn will ya!!

faith_Ho on 31 Aug : 10:07
oh and splifyy tooo!!!!

faith_Ho on 31 Aug : 10:07
you to kenchi!!!!

faith_Ho on 31 Aug : 10:06
happy birthday pinoy i miss you

IIxXxII[AUG_E] on 29 Aug : 01:00
hello

faith_Ho on 17 Aug : 08:13
harunnio!!!! happy b-day you poo, stop getting soo old...lol <3

bassace on 12 Aug : 10:55
long time no see guys

MAJOR Patterson on 03 Aug : 11:09
yeah i did used facebook post tho xD

Phoenix Goddess on 03 Aug : 01:33
wow no one noticed my bday yesterday.... Cries...

ratty on 01 Aug : 04:40
Butter Toast

AugElite PCS on 01 Aug : 03:36
happy B-lated b-day there Nef

Nefarioc on 28 Jul : 05:09
Thanks Muffy ! I had a wonderful dinner and cake all prepared by my loving children. Stomach pump here I come ! J/K

Scorched Muffin on 28 Jul : 03:37
Well holy cows, it's Nef's Birthday, Nef enjoy your special day with family and kids Peace out :)

Harunnio on 28 Jul : 03:18
Happy b-day Fatty.

faith_Ho on 28 Jul : 01:14
in ts i mean so ican shoot you !!

faith_Ho on 28 Jul : 01:13
omg patterson you nee to be on more, i miss you !!

MAJOR Patterson on 28 Jul : 10:51
Hey Faith I c U

faith_Ho on 28 Jul : 10:01
ho guys. cool harunnio ill check it out, and happy b-day neff

Harunnio on 27 Jul : 03:59
Yes Faith I play cod4 again, I play on the FOW server. they have a freezetag mod on it. -=<( Click Here )>=-

Randramar on 26 Jul : 03:41
Faithy!!

Nuke on 24 Jul : 03:00
Hi 'Faith'

MAJOR Patterson on 23 Jul : 11:16
If i was a shrimp would i sill like eatting shrimp? hmmmzz

Descaen on 10 Jul : 11:13
Thanks bro

MAJOR Patterson on 09 Jul : 04:49
Happy B-day

Ms B
&
Descaen

Phoenix Goddess on 08 Jul : 05:09
Happy B day Ratty! Have a great one!




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